ALL HAT NO
STATUES ERECTED IN SAN JUAN CITIES
By Santiago Murphy
Huevas de Rana
WASHINGTON, D.C. (Che Guevara
News Service) The only thing absent from the Bush administration, besides
cranial content and reality, is a unifying symbol of the valiant work George W.
Bush and Dick Cheney have accomplished in their five years in office.
"These two men are so ill-abused by the liberal press," said White
House spokesman, Carlos Rove Dos Culos, "when they have done more for the
country than Napoleon ever did for Europe. It's time we honored them with great
works of art, symphonies, epic poems, and longer hunting seasons."
Culos cited the administration's courageous self-sacrifice in establishing
jihad in Iraq, the dissolution of democracy in America, the institution of
poverty in the Gulf States, and the benevolent Patriot Act, which, he stated,
"has created a marvelous atmosphere of paranoia" and "authorized the torture
necessary for a free and just government."
In order to combat the
treasonous reports of the left-wing press, the administration has commissioned
inspiring classical sculptures of both Bush and Cheney to be erected in major
cities throughout the country. A few minor metropolises, such as Colona and
Sapinero, will have miniature replicas of these sculptures placed in their
"What's really exciting," said Dos Culos, "is a few cities
off the beaten path were specially selected for the full-sized statues whether
they wanted them or not. We thought certain random placements would reflect the
sweeping power of this administration and remind citizens of the great things
we can accomplish when we put aside silly laws and international treaties, and
make our own rules."
Three such lucky cities in western Colorado are
Telluride, Ouray, and Silverton. "These were chosen because the majesty of the
San Juan Mountains nearly matches the inconceivable spirit of these men," said
Both Bush and Cheney closely worked with the artists in
creating the sculptures, according to Condi Dos Moscas, head of the Department
of Public Art.
"Mr. Bush envisions himself as a great liberator, a wise
and just warrior, "said Dos Moscas, "as a kind of David against the Goliath of
the intellectual masses."
"I really relate to David," Bush said in a
speech during the unveiling of his statue in Silverton. "He had a sling shot. I
had one once. I killed a neighbor's cat with it. It was darn exciting. I knew
then that I'd be the leader of the free world."
Bush whined about
"librools" condemning his domestic and foreign policies, pointing out that it
"takes a man like David to not listen to the people and to kill those what need
killing. These sculptures of me and Dick are going to impress upon radicals
that we are in fact extinguished men, doing horrendous thangs. We been
spreading democracy like peanut butter on the bread of third world countries.
We been making literate children illegitimate. We been leaving no tree behind,
and making darn sure oil keeps running this country. We believe the statues
will inspire people to think inspiring thoughts instead of concentrating on how
bad my grammar are."
sculpture of Bush as David, in the classical pose of Michelangelo's famous
18-foot masterpiece, was welcomed by most in the administration, except for
Juan Roberts Dos Vergas, head of the Department of Morals and Family
"I had to protest," said Dos Vergas. "I don't think a naked
George Bush with a nearly two-foot 'member' is appropriate for pubic art.
Dubya's is hardly an inch in length in the first place. We don't need to
inflate or elevate body parts that have no bearing on the intellect of the
After much deliberation, Bush agreed to have the sculptor demurely
place his hand over the immoral dangly bits. The end result was a statue both
physically and ethically strong, portraying Bush as the indecisive,
phallically-challenged, sling-shot welding, cat-killer he is.
the other hand, had difficulty in selecting the pose and style of his
sculpture. Initially he thought he'd like to be depicted on a horse, pointing
west, with his cape blowing in the wind, much like the famed statue of
"But that's really too obvious," Cheney admitted. "I'm a
humble man. I do consider myself an expert hunter and thought I'd like to be
portrayed as Hercules, gouging out the lungs of a satyr with a blunt stick. But
that doesn't really capture all that I am."
Cheney finally settled on
himself as Athena, Goddess of the Hunt and of War, a mastermind of strategy,
power, and deceit. In this portrayal he said he would also be able to relate to
his daughter and all those like her.
"I feel liberated," Cheney said
during the unveiling of his Athena in Ouray at the opening of hunting season.
"I think it is important to dress in a toga now and then. A man who can hunt in
a dress is a man who has no fear."
Both Dick's and Dubya's statues were
placed in the public park near the hot springs pool at Ouray. Several pigeons
alighted on them, leaving a sploogy white smear down the marble foreheads.
Without skipping a heartbeat, Cheney then declared open season on
"Friggin' pigeons, Green Party members, and terrorist types hiding in rural
Colorado. Athena will not tolerate bowel movements," he said.
Reception of the government sculptures in Ouray was
mixed, with one woman remarking that she didn't think Bush's hand had to be so
big. "It's not like he has something to hide. He's an honest man."
Telluride, Bush's David was positioned in the new roundabout at the entrance to
town, creating a few minor traffic snarls as motorists slowed to open their
windows and shout obscenities. Several canines in this mountain resort welcomed
the statues as an alternative place to relieve themselves.
When asked what he thought of the
sculpture, Jorge Bancoverde, a spokesman for the Nervous Citizens Action
Committee, said flatly, "Métetelo en el culo!" which, for polite reasons
and Section 35.6-b of the Patriot Act, we refuse to translate here.
citizens of Silverton were far more enthusiastic, running two locomotives over
the statues. The fragments will be whittled into elk teeth by out-of-work
musicians and sold to hunters for good luck charms.
"I would like to
remind Americans," said Carlos Rove Dos Culos, "that vandalizing images of high
ranking government officials is construed as an act of sedition. Any hunter
found in possession of marble elk teeth with Dubya's face thereon will be
viewed as a co-conspirator. Silverton will be dealt with."
Silverton's citizens were already under six feet of snow, they simply shrugged
off the threat and went into their annual hibernation.
Truth will out in