MONEY MIGHT TALK
By Guy Spastic, Exiled Financial
consultants have a growing concern that money will talk. Money has been
mumbling for decades and the experts are worried about what it will say if it
starts talking. Of course, that would depend on whose money it is. It would
also depend on if it were "honest" money, "dirty" money, or "cold hard
Most experts claim cold hard cash will present no problem since
it is most likely to moan, "Please put me in your wallet and warm me up."
Honest money, likewise, will only beg, "I wish I could work harder for
But dirty money? Experts fear dirty money will boast, embarrassing
those who innocently exchange it, or fingering those who abuse it.
rumored, undocumented incident of dirty money spilling its guts came from the
DEA recently. Filthy greenbacks snorted, "Damn! Have I been having a good time
or what? First some scumbag drug dealer scammed me out of some high school
kid's pocket, and then when he got busted, he bribed a crooked cop with me. The
cop started to sweat, so he pushed me into the preacher's collection plate on
Sunday. That nearly ruined my reputation, until the preacher gave me to a
hooker next Saturday night, and she pressed me into her lawyer's palm on
Monday. He dumped me into the mayor's campaign fund on Tuesday. Shee-u-eee, was
"Wednesday, for a small favor performed under the mayor's
desk, the mayor gave me to the cute little office girl (the one nobody can
figure out what her job is). She scurried home and paid off her late taxes with
me and I fell into the hands of an IRS agent.
"I feared he might launder
me and I'd be squeaky clean, but much to my relief, the IRS agent used me to
fund a covert drugs for guns operation in South America. The drug lord
exchanged me for surplus military equipment to defend himself from the DEA and
I thought it was party time, but the DEA stormed in, confiscating all of my
cousins, and me, and dragged us back to the US where his organization financed
a drug education program in the public school system.
"Sheesh, what a
week for filthy lucre! If you try exchanging me for a Barbie Doll at some toy
counter this Christmas, think twice: I might start yapping about my past. It's
therapeutic you know. But no clerk in a skimpy elf suit is going to take it
Although the Treasury Department estimates a far greater
amount of dirty money than honest money is in circulation, experts hope money
won't talk this holiday season. But if it does, Treasury officials are willing
to exchange it for petty cash. To better assist the public, Treasury agents
will be stationed on street corners this year. Look for grim men wearing Santa
suits, standing beside little red buckets and ringing their bells.